A simple revelation is what I needed and what it took to begin breaking the ice around this issue in my heart.
I couldn’t really connect the sense of abandonment to a particular instance in my life. However, while praying one day, I saw an image of myself as a young child being dropped off at an event for the day. The event doesn’t matter really, what I remember is the feeling of a shy child being left alone at something – a birthday party, a relative’s house, a new school situation, or some children’s event.
“I don’t want to be dropped off.”
“I don’t want to do this alone.”
“I don’t want to be a big girl.”
“I can’t do this.”
Decades later, the scared little girl inside was still trying to deal with the big issues of life and mostly feeling alone and afraid. This totally fit my picture of a God who had dropped me off, left me to deal with things on my own, and would eventually make everything better when He came to pick me up at the end.
Maybe a week later, while praying this image came back to mind, and I felt like God said, “I want you to know Me as the God who is right there with you.” In the moment, this felt like both a promise and an assignment.
I often think of joining God in what He is doing, trying to see the world with His eyes, and listening for the Spirit about situations I encounter. But this time, I felt like God was saying, “No, you’re not joining me. I am joining you. Where you go, I am going too. Not just the good places, but the hard places, the scary places, even the bad places. I am going along.”
And it felt overwhelmingly relieving to realize that God has been there in the middle of all my “I can’t do this” moments and that He would teach me how to know Him in those moments.
One thing I have learned is that when I quit expecting God to be with me, I quit seeing Him. By focusing on the things I don’t have, I refused to see all that I am invited to be a part of, all that is already mine, and to join the invitation to His presence.
The big and sometimes scary circumstances in my life haven’t suddenly resolved themselves. However, instead of gritting my teeth, I am focusing on seeing and trusting God to be with me.
I appreciate the stories and encouragement that you have shared with me. Much of what you said adds to what God is teaching me through all of this. I hope that sharing this is an encouragement to someone else too. Most of us don’t really need more information, we just need God to continue revealing Himself to us in ways that will personally transform us in the ways that we need Him most.
kingdom grace 
Grace,
This is very encouraging – it echoes what my wife and I have been going through for the last few years. I think this is very healthy stuff and something God seems to be pushing people we know into a lot – often kicking and screaming at first in our resistance to dealing with pain, but the ultimate blessing being that we discover the way of the cross, in taking our pain to the feet of Jesus. That quote from Rohr last week hit it on the head. “do we transform or transmit our pain?” We are transformed when we take our pain, illusions and idols to the cross and submit them to death. It seems like we are going to die and be consumed by the fire of God’s presence. We want to run back to the darkness and hide, but when we catch that glimpse of who the Father truly is and what He is ultimately working for, we have the hope to hold on. Ah what glory!
Grace – Just want to say I have seen you grow so much in your writing here. Dissatisfaction with the church and status quo is a good place to start to get us ready for change, but I am seeing the fruit of real heart transformation and change happening and expressed in your writing now, not just the dissatisfaction … I think we are just starting to discover the kind of spiritual life we have really been seeking all along. Blessings on your journey toward Him …
I like what you write Grace. I often think that we do not understand how God’s will is not so much about what we do but about who we are and who we are becoming. In a sense God’s will is all about being and becoming the image of Christ.. something He can will in all situations.
“Most of us don’t really need more information, we just need God to continue revealing Himself to us in ways that will personally transform us in the ways that we need Him most.”
AMEN !! You said that so well.. Thanks Grace :)
Oh, yes, it is a blessing. Thank You, God, and thank you, Grace. Thank you very much.
Thanks friends. :)
I appreciate you – and your incredible transparency. We’re all still on the journey …
Grace … you have come to the place Wayne Jacobsen says is “learning to live loved” … where everything is something that God knows about and is working on — even if it is currently a messy mystery — where there is no disappointment because there are no expectations … only expectancy as we lean into the Father’s love and wait to recognize his presence in and among “life”.