A simple revelation is what I needed and what it took to begin breaking the ice around this issue in my heart.
I couldn’t really connect the sense of abandonment to a particular instance in my life. However, while praying one day, I saw an image of myself as a young child being dropped off at an event for the day. The event doesn’t matter really, what I remember is the feeling of a shy child being left alone at something – a birthday party, a relative’s house, a new school situation, or some children’s event.
“I don’t want to be dropped off.”
“I don’t want to do this alone.”
“I don’t want to be a big girl.”
“I can’t do this.”
Decades later, the scared little girl inside was still trying to deal with the big issues of life and mostly feeling alone and afraid. This totally fit my picture of a God who had dropped me off, left me to deal with things on my own, and would eventually make everything better when He came to pick me up at the end.
Maybe a week later, while praying this image came back to mind, and I felt like God said, “I want you to know Me as the God who is right there with you.” In the moment, this felt like both a promise and an assignment.
I often think of joining God in what He is doing, trying to see the world with His eyes, and listening for the Spirit about situations I encounter. But this time, I felt like God was saying, “No, you’re not joining me. I am joining you. Where you go, I am going too. Not just the good places, but the hard places, the scary places, even the bad places. I am going along.”
And it felt overwhelmingly relieving to realize that God has been there in the middle of all my “I can’t do this” moments and that He would teach me how to know Him in those moments.
One thing I have learned is that when I quit expecting God to be with me, I quit seeing Him. By focusing on the things I don’t have, I refused to see all that I am invited to be a part of, all that is already mine, and to join the invitation to His presence.
The big and sometimes scary circumstances in my life haven’t suddenly resolved themselves. However, instead of gritting my teeth, I am focusing on seeing and trusting God to be with me.
I appreciate the stories and encouragement that you have shared with me. Much of what you said adds to what God is teaching me through all of this. I hope that sharing this is an encouragement to someone else too. Most of us don’t really need more information, we just need God to continue revealing Himself to us in ways that will personally transform us in the ways that we need Him most.