I have been putting off writing this post. I am afraid it is overly transparent.
When we first decided to leave our CLB, I remember crying to my husband, “I don’t want to be churchless!”
The plan was that we would recover from the spiritual abuse, we would hang out at the local community church for awhile, and then we would become involved in some church thing that was amazingly awesome.
My underlying belief was that somewhere along the way we would discover what this amazingly awesome church thing would be. I have learned plenty by reading about the stuff that other people are doing. I have been happy for them and sometimes wondered if our church thing might be like theirs.
In the meantime, we have been hanging out on the fringes of house church and the local mega-church. I felt like I needed some sort of religious expression to define myself spiritually. Plus, I believe in community and gathering.
In spite of trying to stay positive, I find my disillusionment growing. Maybe it is time to let go.
Last week drove it home…
- I told the house church organizers that we think what they are doing is great, but we aren’t likely to participate.
- Then I tried to politely explain to the lady from the church that we aren’t interested in contributing to the building campaign.
- Next I tried to tell one of my best friends why The Truth Project isn’t really where my heart is right now (which btw automatically makes me sound like a less-than-stellar Christian).
All of this pushes me toward what I have feared and avoided – a churchless faith.
What am I afraid of?
- What if I’m wrong?
- What if I backslide?
- What if there is no substance to my Christian walk?
- What if I lead my kids and other people away from knowing the Lord?
When I read Barna’s latest categories, I classified myself as an intermittent blender, but I knew that I was on the verge of being unattached.
The article said this about the unattached, “they tend to be relatively isolated from the mainstream of society, tend to be non-committal in institutional and personal relationships, and typically revel in their independence.”
Yep, just what I was afraid of.
This isn’t where I expected to be.
Maybe there is a way to develop spiritual connections outside of organizationally generated relationships.
Would God lead me away from my dependence on the forms and structures of gathering into something undefined and unpredictable?
Or am I already halfway down the slippery slope?