My husband and I have a recurring conversation. It is one of those conversations that once you begin, it is like deja vu. You know what the other person will say next because it is as if you are reading from a script.
The reason we keep having this circular conversation is because the topic is a thought that I keep chasing in my mind like a dog chasing its tail. I begin at point A, chase the thought around every possible avenue, and always end up at point B.
So between the talking and the thinking, I know that whenever I embark on this particular merry-go-round, the outcome will be the same.
It starts with me wondering if we’re doing enough, then hubby reminding me of our priorities now, and then me coming around to recognizing (once again!) that discipling our kids is what we are called to for this season.
So why do I continue to overlook the importance of that?
Am I still needing to be validated in some other way?
The last time we discussed this, I admitted that I am most afraid that my default is to simply take care of me and mine and forget about the rest of the world.
As much as I try to understand grace, I’m annoyed that these tendencies to perform and earn God’s favor still show up in my thoughts and motives.
An interesting post from Sherman Kuek:
It must be understood that one is called to go into all the world, not so much because the world needs us for their salvation (God can save the world without us!) or because we need to hasten the return of Christ (there are people who actually believe this…huh?!) We are called to go into all the world because it is in the going that our understanding of and devotion to love is being challenged and refined.
Now if I can just remember this quote from Eugene Peterson:
“God’s great love and purposes for us are all worked out in messes in our kitchens and backyards, in storms and sins, blue skies, the daily work and dreams of our common loves. God works with us as we are and not as we should be or think we should be. God deals with us where we are and not where we would like to be.”
Somewhere between Martha and being selfish, there must be a middle ground where I just learn to be, trusting God’s ability to lead me.