7 Books I’m Reading

In response to being tagged by Joy for a meme of 7 things about me, I decided to go with 7 of the books I’m reading now because you can tell about someone by the books they’re reading, right?

7 Books I’m Reading

1. At the gym – Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott

Interesting. I’ve not read anything by her before. I like her way of describing situations and feelings. The uniqueness of writers’ voices interests me. We can grow in writing skills, but I’m not sure if we can really change the tenor of the voice that others hear when they read our words. I sometimes wish my voice were edgy, creative, and random. I could change the name of my blog to Edgy Grace.

2. In my van – Approaching the Heart of Prophecy by Graham Cooke

My first step back into the prophetic realm. While my heart never really left, I needed to detox from the things I formerly knew about prophecy. I am ready to take a new look at the role of prophecy in our lives, and I trust Graham and his understanding of God and prophecy.

3. In my purse – Towards a Powerful Inner Life by Graham Cooke

A great little book about living from our spirit rather than our soul. A little gem…”When God breaks us, He breaks us wide open. In that shattered mirror, we see who we are supposed to be.”

4. In the living room – Callanetics for Your Back and Yoga for Back Care

If my body had an expiration date on it, I’m afraid it would say Best Used by 2006. I’m hopeful that specific stretching and strengthening exercises will help to alleviate some of the problems I’ve been having. I have also limited sitting at the computer (which makes it harder to keep up with blogging).

5. On my desk – The Forgotten Ways by Alan Hirsch

I stalled out on this one. I had to step back and take a bit of a break from overthinking church stuff. I need to process and let my heart catch up with the many things I have read lately. Also, it feels like a transitional time of sorting it all out in the context of our current situation of church and relationships.

6. On my nightstand – The Message

I have not read all of The Message, but lately I’ve been hanging around in Luke 10-15, John 15 (love this chapter), skimming through Acts, taking a closer look at I Corinthians 12-14, and pondering the first few chapters of Revelation.

7. On the couch where I fell asleep last night – Waiting for Morning by Karen Kingsbury

I usually have a novel going and Karen’s are always good.

What’s next…

Just picked up for 25 cents at a garage sale – The Father Heart of God by Floyd McClung – because God loves me and He knows I would like this book!

Oops! I forgot the tag thing. I would love to read some other 7 Books lists from my friends, so consider yourself tagged and leave a link to your blog in the comments.

God’s Will & Your Calling

More excellent writing that I’ve come across…

Shaun Groves in his post, Bonus Room Do Over, gives this helpful advice on finding God’s will for your life. The entire post is definitely worth a read.

“Whatever you decide to do for a living, decide to love God more than yourself, love the poor and the sick and the hopeless more than your own happiness, love the intern as much as the boss, love your kids more than a promotion, love your wife more than your laptop. This is God’s will for your entire life. To pull this off you’ll need to buy as little as you can. The more stuff you own the more you’ll feel you have to work, the more depressed you’ll be when work isn’t fun, and the more you’ll equate God’s will with what you do for work, and the less time you’ll have to discover all the other things life is supposed to be about.”

Robbymac continues with some excellent points about how we view our “calling” in relation to our vocation or occupation in his post, Calling & Identity.

“Part of the problem, I think, is that too many people – myself included – confuse a sense of “calling” with “that from which I receive a paycheque”. For example, if you view your “calling” as being a full-time, financially-compensated clergy-unit, and then the church down-sizes you, suddenly an identity crisis of biblical proportions hits you like a proverbial camel train.

If I make “being a paid pastor” my “calling”, then I could lose my sense of calling and identity depending on whether or not I had a vocational financially-compensated placement in a pastoral role. And my calling and identity would be in the hands of whatever people held the power of hiring and firing.

However, if my calling and identity is that of an encourager, I can do that with or without a position, title, recognition, notoriety, or paycheque. And my calling and identity would be in the hands of Someone far greater.”

Good stuff Robby and Shaun!

An early post of mine, Be What You Are, contained some thoughts along this theme.

“Go ahead and be what you are. Let the life of Christ be expressed through you in the ways that are in your heart, not worrying about whether your giftings carry a title. If it is in your heart to mentor and shepherd, don’t wait for someone to call you an elder or pastor. Go ahead and serve with the giftings that are in you.”

‘Be what you are’ is a phrase I continue to use to remind myself and others to live out what is in our heart in spite of obstacles or doubts. When we find that place of God-given identity within, we can live into that with confidence, regardless of whether we receive recognition. There is no one or nothing that can ultimately prevent you from living out what you truly are.

Out of Control

…and loving it!

I want to point you to excerpts from a couple of excellent posts that I read today. In my mind, these ideas seemed to flow together.

In his post, The God of Chaotic Expression, Brother Maynard says:

“If God is willing to take huge risks with creation and with whom he leaves the keys to the kingdom — or the butcher shop, why aren’t we? It seems to me that we’ve built hierarchical structures around ensuring that the wrong people don’t get allowed to do too much, that the heavy lifting is left up to the professionals, and that somebody in charge keeps tabs on everything, rendering permission and the loan of keys on an as-needed basis to make sure nothing gets too far out of line, and to snap it back if it does. Somebody like a bank president with a big gold watch. God seems to be far more content with chaotic expressions than we are. He empowers all of us far more than we seem willing to have each other empowered.”

On a related note, from his post on Home Church, Brant says:

“C’mon. Get serious. That’d be messy. You need visionaries, leaders who take charge and keep tabs and control stuff. You’ll need structures in place for control.

Like the ones Jesus gave the disciples: “Above all, don’t let this thing spread too fast. I hope you paid attention to all my hierarchical instructions. Don’t fear, because while I’m leaving, I’ll leave with you a plan for structure that will guide you, and comfort you, and…”

Great writing Brother Maynard and Brant!

5 Things I Dig About Jesus

In response to the meme started by John Smulo. What an awesome topic!

I have a feeling that many of our answers will be similar, so I have avoided reading other responses to this meme yet.

5 of my favorite things about Jesus:

1. I love that He sees the invisible people and those who are like lepers.
2. I love that I cannot earn His love and acceptance.
3. I love that He has enough love to heal every broken thing within me.
4. I love the promise and beauty that He sees in each person.
5. I love that He turned the tables on worldly and religious systems of power.

John’s rules:
1. Those tagged will share 5 Things They Dig About Jesus.
2. Those tagged will tag 5 people.
3. Those tagged will leave a link to their meme in the comments section of this post so everyone can keep track of what’s being posted.

The 5 people I will tag:
1. Cindy
2. Mary
3. Former Leader
4. Sonja
5. Pam

Miscellany

We attended church last Sunday. It was a good Sunday because they did baptisms. I really appreciated hearing the testimonies and witnessing the involvement this church had in the peoples’ salvation and discipleship.

We also attended house church that day. We have continued to stay in touch with those who are doing house church here because it reflects our values and beliefs concerning church. However, my husband and I both sense pretty clearly that this is not the direction for us to pursue at this time.

It has been a week of great conversations with many friends. I have had quite a few conversations about whether charismatics can/should settle in at a noncharismatic church. These have been interesting discussions involving the ideas of style and preference versus what aspects of charismatic belief are necessary as a part of public worship and church.

Directionally, things are still as clear as mud. In the midst of that, we will just open our home and our table and enjoy life. We had a potluck a couple of weeks ago and were encouraged recently by a person who said it was the most “life” they had experienced in months. And we didn’t even have a meeting!

Anyway, it is all a bit odd, and we will attempt to hold things loosely so that we can hopefully follow wherever the Lord leads.

Two Weddings and A Funeral

A year after we left our church, I attended the wedding of the child of one of my few remaining friends from the CLB.

By this time the subtle and not-so-subtle nuances of shunning were familiar to me – the silence of my phone; the showers, weddings, birthdays, and graduations I wasn’t invited to; the friends who were suddenly too busy for our regular shopping and coffee dates; the quick glances to the side when people pretended not to see me.

This friend was willing to still include me even though it was unpopular to be seen with me. She didn’t understand what was going on with us, and we didn’t talk about it.

Attending that wedding was extremely difficult. To stay isolated would have been much easier than enduring the pitying looks. We were the only people out of the CLB at the time, the only supposedly backslidden outcasts.

The pastor of our CLB performed the ceremony.  It was the only time I had seen him since we left. I spent most of the evening making sure that I wasn’t wherever he was.

I wanted to be more mature than that, but it was all I could muster just to be there. Every moment of the entire evening was like a knife twisting in my heart.

I had recently started blogging. Not surprising, my post the next day was titled Oceans of Emptiness.

…………..

Last weekend, I attended another wedding. My friends no longer attend the CLB. In fact, most of my friends and acquaintances are out now. There are now more former members than there are remaining members.

As people leave, our relationships are being restored. People see, they understand, and some apologize.

At the last wedding, I was like a shadow person; at this wedding, I enjoyed open friendship and fellowship, no longer cloaked in humiliation. Many times during the weekend I looked around truly in awe at the miracle of reconciliation that I have experienced. It is more than I ever expected.

As much as I have shared with you about the abuse and the pain, I wanted to share with you the blessing of experiencing this restoration of relationships.

…………..

Sadly, the CLB is in a downward spiral with dark and twisty things continuing to unfold behind the scenes. Although it still functions, the vision it formerly represented is dead. The life of the community continues outside of the organization, freed from the control of those who attempted to confine and define community according to their rules.

Some who have recently left are still focused on the death of what was. Out of this death however, there will be a resurrection. In time, we will discover what God has for us on the other side of this experience.

Church Politics

Politics – social relations involving intrigue to gain authority or power

God never intended for political power to be used in the church.

“You know how the kings of the nations show their power to the people. Important leaders use their power over the people. It must not be that way with you.” Matthew 20:25-26 (NLV)

The old saying that “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely” may be true. From my experience, power tends to reveal corruption.

My intent with this post and my previous post is not to go down the path of leader bashing. That is not fruitful for any of us.

Every experience of spiritual abuse is not the result of an abusive pastor. However most can be traced to the abuse of power within a church political system resulting in someone being abused. Depending on where the power lies, at times the person being abused is the pastor.

One of the most freeing things I came across early on in my recovery from SA was a site about workplace bullying. For the first time, someone was describing the nature of the tactics and manipulations we had experienced. There was nothing in my life that had prepared me for the underhanded things we confronted, and I had trouble dealing with my disbelief that such things could happen in church.

If you are currently in relationship with a bully, your best approach is flattery, emotional distance, and avoidance of conflict. No matter how hard you attempt to befriend them in a healthy peer relationship, it cannot work. To them, everyone is perceived as either an asset or a liablity. If you are an asset, you will be manipulated for their purposes, and if you are a liability, you will be targeted with abuse.

Why talk about this? Because if you experienced a failed relationship with a bully, it is likely you were left with the frustration and doubt of wondering what you could have done differently. The fact is, there is rarely a workable solution to conflict with a person like this.

The good news is, you have options.
You get to forgive.
You get to release them to God’s judgment.
You get to heal.
And you get to move on.

When you truly understand the nature of this type of personality disorder, you will realize the pathetic emptiness in that person’s ability to sustain healthy relationships. You may even find it in your heart to pray for the healing of their emotions. Due to their deep-seated fear of being exposed, this would truly require a miracle.

In the end, it is all incredibly sad. Relationships and sometimes churches are destroyed. Maybe God knew why political power structures wouldn’t work within the church.

Always Be Nice

That’s the christian motto, right? Or is it the Boy Scout motto? I forget.

Christians should always be nice. We should use nice language, smile a lot, be happy, turn the other cheek, did I say smile a lot? Happy, happy, happy.

I am not suggesting we be nasty, but I have noticed that sometimes christians squirm at the least bit of conflict or difficulty. The reality is that life outside the christian bubble is not always syrupy sweet, and sometimes life within the christian bubble is not all that sweet either.

You know why spiritual abuse is so dang unworkable? Because you were dealing with someone who was not playing fair, while the entire time you were trying to play by christian rules.Some of the most inspirational reading I have done over the last few days has been about a couple of books from the business world – The No Asshole Rule, by Bob Sutton (ht Bill Kinnon) and Snakes in Suits, by Paul Babiak (ht to Robbymac).

The No Asshole Rule talks about interacting with people who leave you feeling demeaned, belittled, and de-energized. The author has taken a lot of flack over the title of the book, but I agree with his defense regarding the word choice. Rather than simply an attempt at vulgarity, “no other word quite captures the essence of this type of person.”

The other book, Snakes in Suits, further discusses the bullying personality type that operates in this way and explains some of their methodology. In describing abusive pastors, people often describe a person operating in a degree of personality disorder, sometimes using the word sociopath or narcissist.

Obviously it wouldn’t be fair to describe everyone you dislike as a psychopath. However, the awareness that sometimes you are dealing with a person whose behavior and methodology are outside the norm can be extremely helpful.

There are aspects of this pattern and the systemic issues in church in particular that facilitate and encourage these personalities that intrigue me, but I am hesitant to write further about it because, let’s face it, it is not a very nice topic.

The People Formerly Known as Leaders

Today, I have the privelege of pointing you to the blogs of two awesome women. They were both involved in leadership in their churches and have now joined the ranks of church leavers.

I remember reading at one time that the majority of church leavers were former leaders. Very few have left their relationship with the Lord, but many have walked away from the church system of which they were an integral part.

Both Former Leader and Mary are blogging anonymously at this time. You have to wonder what kind of church experience leaves people feeling like they belong in the witness protection program. However, I do understand the need for sensitivity to the churches and people we have known. It is difficult to blog openly about this without hurting others who were involved.

Former Leader has written a confessional piece along the lines of the PFKATC meme entitled The Person Formerly Known As Your Leader. I believe it is a very fitting piece to be included in this series. I would also encourage you to add her blog to your reader. In many ways, I feel like she has picked up the story of detox where my journey of detox has ended. Many who find themselves in the beginning stages of detox will find encouragement and comfort in her words as she posts about her journey.

Mary takes an honest look at some of the inherited attitudes that she and her husband carried into planting a church in her post Going The Wrong Way. Mary has a story that needs to be heard, and I am looking forward to reading as she continues sharing about her journey away from church leadership.